


I am Sorry.

by angelofthenightposts



Category: Chris Evans - Fandom, Marvel Cinematic Universe, Steve Rogers - Fandom
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2018-10-27
Packaged: 2019-08-08 12:45:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16429682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelofthenightposts/pseuds/angelofthenightposts
Summary: Angst; A one-shot about dealing with a miscarriage.





	I am Sorry.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading it, love y'all. You can find me on Tumblr, @angelofthenightposts.

Have you ever felt alone while there were dozens of people around? Feel like every breath you take burning your lungs? Like every step you take, every move meant nothing before? Feeling in the void? Do you ever think people wouldn’t understand you even if you made thousands of sentences? No, you didn’t have time for any of them; you didn’t have time even for your little pity party. All you could think of at that moment was the one thing. You couldn’t even feel the pain when you were in a white gurney, dozens of doctors around you. Your gaze was blank, your mind cluttered. You could see that one of the doctors was telling you something, but you couldn’t hear his voice. Was she asking if you were okay? Was she wondering if you were in pain? You couldn’t know.

Even If you wanted to open your mouth and tell them to hurry, your throat was dry, your voice lost. When they carried you in the long corridor, you blinked a few times in fear, where were they taking you? Why did it last so long? Didn’t they understand that every second is important, and or they were moving slowly on purpose? You wanted to see if the blood leaking on your leg had stopped, you lifted your head, but the doctors had forced you to lay back. You turned right in the corridor as you shook your head in a flurry. When you wanted to touch your belly and feel your baby, the big white lamp on the ceiling blinded you, everything came clear. Now you could hear the voices around you, felt your pulse in your temple. When you noticed the wounds on your right hand, you winced and touched your bump. You held the wrist of one of the doctors pushing the stretcher, hoping he could hear your voice.

“My baby …” There were so many things in his eyes. The desire to save someone’s life, the flurry of the moment, and the most important thing, desperation … You tried to convince yourself that your baby was okay.

“26 weeks pregnant, attacked. Broken ribs and there’s bruising on her neck. Blood pressure is high. Heartbeat- "You let the darkness take you before you heard more.

Steve held his breath when he entered the dimly lit room, the inside smelled like sterilization. When he closed the door, trying to not make a sound, his gaze was focused on you. You were lying in bed, your eyes shut. When he saw the cables connected to your body, he pressed his lips. He didn’t even need the machine to hear your heartbeat; it was calm. You were sleeping in deep peace as if you weren’t going through hardest thing in the world. When he pulled the chair and sat down next to you, he turned his head to you again. He looked at the wounds covering your skin, the swelling on your face. He wanted your pain to be relieved, and that instead of you, he wanted to suffer … Maybe if he could relieve your pain, he could stop suffering a twinge of conscience. He took your left hand on your belly and tried to feel your warmth. He wouldn’t even have the guts to look into your eyes when you understand everything. He felt his eyes burning; he gritted his teeth and tried to send back tears in his eyes. When the door was knocked, Steve turned his head to the door; he saw his best friend looking with sad eyes. Steve glanced away because of being disturbed Bucky saw him like that. Bucky, when he came in and leaned his back against a cold wall, he watched you before he said anything. Just like the other friends who came to visit you for days, Bucky’s heart broke. He didn’t used to see like that, broken, wounded… He looked at Steve’s shoulders, trembling hand, and redness in his eyes; he couldn’t stop his eyebrows from frowning.

"Steve, it wasn’t your fault.” Bucky knew the man heard, even though his voice was like a whisper. When Steve continued to look at you without saying anything, Bucky once again tried his luck. “We never thought that he would attack Y/N. If we knew, we wouldn’t have left her alone.”

“I caused all of this, Bucky. Instead of leaving my wife at home alone and going on a mission, I could stay with her.”

 

You were laying your bed; you no longer cared how many days you spent like this. While listening to the sound of rain, you opened your eyes and looked out the window. The street lamp from the outside was illuminating the room, and although it was dim, it managed to hurt your eyes. You could hear Bucky’s thick voice coming from downstairs. Ever since you came out of the hospital, he hadn’t left you and Steve alone. He didn’t have the courage to come to you because you didn’t accept the people who came to visit. All you wanted to do was cry, crying for days and months until you die … But no more tears left; your eyes were as dry as your soul. When you got up in bed, you winced with the pain, pressing your lips together tightly. You stood on the foot, your feet met with the coldness of floor and it caused you shudder. Trying not to lose balance, you went out to the hallway and the room in your right drew your attention.

When you opened the door, your breath was cut off. You stepped into the room while feeling like thousands of hot iron sticks being suppressed in your body. You didn’t even want to turn on the light. The crib was not fully installed on one corner, and the baby gears were on the other corner. You shut your eyes tightly to avoid crying, approached the pink painted wall. You stretched your legs and rested your head against the wall. When your hand went to your belly, you knew there was no one there for you anymore, but after six months it became a habit. From the day you learned that you were pregnant, you walked around in your hand on your belly; telling your baby about the day. When you looked at the shopping bags on the right side, you already knew what it was inside, you reached out and took the bag. When you found out that the baby was a girl, Steve and you ordered a special thing for her, an onesie. You had been staring at little gloves and hat for a while; you saw the name written in italic on top of the hat, a drop of tears smeared from your cheek.

“Zoey.”

It meant life; Steve decided to give the most meaningful name after doing research on the internet for days. This miracle baby girl, who had brought you both back to life, was worthy of this name. You remembered how much you liked it when you first heard it, you glanced away from the cloth and turned your head to the shadow at the door. Steve was a ghost for you after you made it clear that you didn’t want him next to you, you two ran away from each other in your big house. Steve hesitantly took a step on the room, and you forced yourself to look at his pale face for a few seconds. Instead of leaving you alone, he sat next to you, just like you did. You two sat for a minute without saying anything, what could you say to each other in this situation?

“I am sorry, I wasn’t with you, I was chasing the bad guy on the other side of the world.” or “I am sorry that the bad guys attacked you.” It was his fault, he did this to you. The man who promised in front of hundreds of people to be with you every moment, your husband, your love…

“Y/N.” His voice was no different from the whisper. When your name fell off his lips, you turned your head to look at him. His gaze was as soulless and dull as yours were. His face seemed to be ten years older in only a few days, and when you noticed the dark circles and the bags under his eyes, you glanced away from him. As you picked up and stroked the soft cloth, Steve held your hand. When you hissed with his touch; Steve didn’t pull his hand back.

“I know you hate me, even I hate myself.” When you laughed hysterically at his words, you were no different from a witch. You were crazy and you couldn’t control your emotions. You kept laughing until being breathless without knowing what was so funny to you; Steve kept worrying about you.

“Hate isn’t enough to explain my feelings, Steve. You did this.” You were surprised to be able to talk so much for the first time in days. You already thought that you had lost your voice as like your mind. “I asked you not to go; I told you that I need you more than ever.”

“I thought it would be good-” When Steve talking, you shook your head and force yourself to get up. You didn’t want anything more than to run from this room without worrying about your wounds.

“You didn’t think Steve, you never thought of me. Why were not you with me when I prayed for our baby in the hospital, Steve? Why weren’t you with me? ” 

“Y/N I’m sorry, everything will be okay.” You pushed the man trying to approach you and shook your head in big disbelief.

“What? Everything will be okay?"Steve winced while trying to get you in his arms. When you opened your eyes wide and pushed a few steps back from the man, you couldn’t even see around because of your tears. You two continued to look at each other in the middle of the room.

"I don’t know what to say.”

“Say it’s your fault. That you failed. If you’re sorry, why didn’t you do something? You should have done something!” Steve looked at you with dull eyes while you trying to pull back from the man’s lap. “I don’t want to see you anymore; I don’t want to hear your voice. Go, Steve. ”

“I am not going anywhere.” When you realized that you had no more strength, you continued to sob. Steve wrapped his arms around you tight and repeated the same sentence over and over again; you both knelt down at the same time. Why hadn’t you felt as relaxed as you were now, even though you were crying for days? You wanted the man to leave you and to hold you tight at the same time.

“I wish I’d never met you.” While you were repeating the sentence, Steve apologized to you repeatedly as if he didn’t know another word. You kept crying, letting his tears mix with yours.


End file.
